On Command

Last night i came on command! *smiles very big* i have read so much about others being able to do this, and longed to be able to. Feeling it would be another sign of my submission and Masters control, it has become quite a deep need within me to achieve this. When He first spoke of giving me till the count of 20 i must admit i was anxious. The pressure to cum when He told me to was strong and those familiar feelings of possible failure were popping into my mind. Then something happened, it was like a switch in my mind was turned on. i focused totally on the sensations and Him instead. Something He has been trying to get me do for a while now. Seems that i have so many triggers i find it hard to just relax and enjoy the feeling, but last night i did IT! Opening myself completely, my thoughts went to Him only, focusing only on His voice and letting the knowledge of being His really sink in. The more i focused on being His, being with Him, Controlled by Him and that the orgasm was His and not my own the more i seemed to relax and settle into all the wonderful sensations i was being allowed to feel. It would be great to give a play by play but to be honest i was so far into what i was experiencing i can't honestly say i remember details. What i do remember is the Command "Cum"! It was beautiful! Even more beautiful was that i could tell Master was very pleased. i felt euphoric and my smile must of been huge. As i think back on it, it felt almost as monumental as the day Master collared me. One more sign of how much i truly do belong to Him in all ways. Isn't it amazing how feeling that Control from your Master is so liberating! Silly fears and anxiety creep in again now as i type this, i so hope this is not an isolated thing for this girl. NO! Not going there, it will happen again because i am His! Past is past and the future is waiting, filled with hope and confidence. He will take me there, i have no doubt of that, and i will submit! slave *~destiny~*

What to do when You really can't do anything...

Master has been going through some things that are really hard on Him lately. With O/our relationship being LDR i am finding it very hard to know what to do. my mind keeps rolling over thoughts on and off all day long, running through the what if's and hopeful's, searching for answers that may help Him. Wanting to be there for Him but knowing with the distance i really can't be. Needing to support Him and help Him through the rough spots, yet always coming back to the realization that there is not much of anything i can do that will really help Him. So what do i do? How do i find the balance between trying too hard to be there for Him and not being there enough? i know my Master is a thinker, He will look at situations from all sides, inside and out, and to do this i think He just needs the down time. What this means is He tends to withdraw, not completely, but enough that with me not being there to see Him it makes me worry for Him. Specially during those times He may not be able to respond to a message from me right away. He never leaves me for days not knowing, matter of fact He doesn't even leave me wondering for an abundance of hours. Still, i find myself concerned in those times when He is busy doing what He needs to do and i am here doing what i need to. my thoughts go to Him, is He doing ok right now? Should i peek in on Him? What could i do to bring a smile to His face, even if only a brief one? What can i do? How can i help? Is there something, anything that i could give to be here for Him? i tend to feel like i need to fix things for Him, wanting to get Him back to that place i know He wishes to be. But how can i, and do i really need to "fix" things... or... Maybe He just needs to talk through these things that are such a hardship right now. Maybe what He needs is a slave that will simply listen. Maybe what He needs is simply my patience and understanding. So how can i give this in a way it is not appearing as if i am being too needy myself? How can i reassure Him that i am here for Him no matter what the mood, situation or dilemma? He said last night when speaking of things He thought i may be getting fed up with Him. That took me by surprise, as i really do not feel fed up at all. i told Him no, that i get confused but not feeling fed up. The confusion comes from me not knowing how to reach out to Him and also from not knowing when He has walked away from the computer sometimes, but even that i do understand. i know when He does that it is a protection method, more for me than for Him, His way of protecting me from His troubles or mood changes. Yet, i don't really want to be protected from those times, i'd rather learn how to be there for Him in all times, i know that comes with time though. i am not fed up with any of this because i do understand, because i do have a Master that overall does keep me informed of things that are going on where He is at. i have always been good at putting myself in another person's shoes, so to speak, so understanding comes naturally for me, i find it natural to put aside my own feelings and view theirs instead. So fed up? No not at all, i just want to be there... that's all. i just want to be there for Him! To help, to listen, to be a part of even the hardships as well as the good, to offer comfort and understanding, to remind Him how much i believe in Him, to help Him find a reason to smile even through the junk life throws at U/us, to let Him know that there IS someone who cares deeply and would do anything to help if she knew what to do. *sighs* i just want to be "there"... slave *~destiny~*

Missing Him !!!

I am a very blessed slave when it comes to my Master and the LDR situation W/we are currently in. He speaks to me everyday and spends as much time with me as He can via skype or hoo, even sending me messages when He has little breaks at work. So what i am about to write about may seem rather selfish and silly to some who read it, specially to those who do not get as much contact as i do, with the constant contact and care Master gives this girl... and yet... Today i am really struggling with my emotions. Now i admit i am an insecure girl and Master has worked with me on this a lot. So much in fact that i actually do think i have been handling the distance between U/us quite well overall. i know He will be back with me as soon as possible, and that this is just a transitional stage the two of U/us must get through, as W/we set things up at O/our home fronts. He is very good at re-assuring me and understanding that this is a part of my nature to need that type reassurance. Him understanding this and reaching out to me has actually given me more strength to grow in this area and i am actually finding i need it less often now. ( although i am sure i probably still need it too much and have a lot more work in this area *blushes*) Even with this growth though, today for some reason... is just hard... i miss Him! i miss His touch... i miss waking up beside Him... i miss serving Him face to face... i miss knowing He is right here if i have to deal with things i may have a hard time with... i miss His chuckle as He watches me struggling with too many choices in front of me and i am becoming frustrated... i miss His use of me... i miss the quietness W/we shared... i miss the sound of the water running as He showered... making His coffee... washing His clothes... needing to kneel before Him suddenly and just getting up and going to Him to do so... the feel of His hands as He grasps my hair, strokes my face... the feel of His flogger as He gifts me with pleasure vs/ pain... trying new foods together... passing a Taco Bell as W/we were driving... i miss watching Him correct my puppy... seeing Him as He went through His bedtime routine... looking up and knowing i can see His face at any given moment... that i could turn to Him at any second...  the sound of His breathing as He lay sleeping beside me... i miss His scent... the feel of Him as i touch Him... *sighssssssss* Dammit!!! *** need to pull it together, going to see if my friend joolz is around *** *returns with a smile* joolz was on and i talked to her of the feelings i was dealing with. Like a true friend she totally understood and encouraged me. Then while she and i were talking, Master sent me a message. He had even sent a message to joolz telling her i was a bit down today. *giggles excitedly* So you see i really really am quite blessed, and am feeling a bit better now. Told joolz i was going to go throw myself into doing some of my watercolor painting, so i am off to go do just that. Sometimes all you need to refocus and move on through the day is an understanding voice and a little message from your Master. *smiles brightly* But... i still miss HIM, TERRIBLY!! *blushes* slave *~destiny~*

Totally in Awe of my Master

Master had set a challenge for me a couple of days ago, one in which i could earn extra orgasms. He tells me  that He calls them challenges because He knows i always rise to challenges. *blush* He is right, give me a goal or challenge and i become bound and determined to achieve it, and to even rise above the set goal when i am able. i won't go into details of what the challenge was, however i will tell you i did achieve the goal and earned 2 orgasms. *smiles brightly* Timing issues ( due to O/our current state of being apart) kept me from enjoying those earned orgasms that night. The next night after Master was done with His work He came and found me on skype and told me how He's like me to begin. i proceeded to do as He commanded and was given the first of the two orgasms i had earned. *sighs* i was definitely wanton that night and it didn't take me long to get to that point where i was writhing, hips spasming, breathing shallow and quick, muscles tensing the those delicious after waves as the orgasm subsides... pulse... twitch... throb... *sighsssssss dreamily* After this i told Master i would love to try using the hitachi while i had my anal plug in as i had never tried this before with the hitachi. He agreed with my request and so i began, still pulsing from the first orgasm and so wet and slick. It was wonderful how i could feel the anal plug vibrating inside and i knew that was something i would definitely enjoy going further with... But then i looked up to my Master... i saw how completely tired and worn out He looked, and i suddenly felt quite selfish and even ashamed. What was i doing? Here He was obviously completely worn out and i am laying here writhing and being greedy for more. Now trust me Master loves His girl greedy and wanting more, but was this really the proper time for such? As i looked to Him i suddenly realized just how much my Master will put His Own Self through for me. Here He was having worked a very busy holiday weekend, got home from one of those very long days and yet STILL came to me and was trying His best to show me how important i was to Him by doing so and by giving me the orgasms He had allowed me to earn. Needless to say i just could not continue. i asked His permission to stop and explained that i could see how terribly tired He was and that i would really like to save the other orgasm i earned for another time when my Master could enjoy more. He smiled to me and then agreed and so W/we decided to watch t.v. together while still on skype instead. Poor Master fell asleep probably within 15 minutes of the start of watching the show. i just lay there watching Him on skype and completely in awe of Him, realizing that not only will i, as a slave, put myself aside to please Him, but guess what? He does the same thing for me a lot of times also, and that is One truly wonderful Master !!! It was almost overwhelming the respect i felt for Him and i knew  it was right that i had not wished to take the second orgasm at that time. i can promise you that orgasm or not, i fell asleep feeling completely satisfied and filled with the knowledge that i was His, i was Owned and i was Cherished. Thank You my wonderful Onedrous Master !!! slave *~destiny~*

His Words...

When i close my eyes i hear His voice, His words and the soft controlled tones. "Good girl", He says to me and i know with all my being with those words i am so totally His. His property yes, yet so much more, an extension of Him. Of all He is and was meant to be, the Master, the One whose control is embedded and such an integral part of Him. What a deep honor to be an extension of that, what an amazing thing to be a part of. "Who do you belong to?" He asks, and i can see that slight curve at the corners of His mouth and the calm exterior of His features. "i belong to You Master." i reply, and i know the depths of my words. How i am no longer my own being but am Owned and Cherished by my Master. One Who takes in every aspect of my being and cares for it more completely than i could ever do myself. "Soon my angel, soon." He tells me and i feel the deep penetrating longing inside me, to be back in His arms where i know i belong. The deep ache to feel Him touch me again creating a physical hunger. A hunger that feels as all encompassing as food or water. His words of "soon" bringing forth the deep trust i have in all He tells me. Helping me remember that the time apart is but a fleeting moment in comparison to the time when W/we will once again be flesh to flesh. "Master is proud of you." He soothingly tells me. Bringing forth a rush of joy  that flows through my being and i can almost feel the twinkle in my eyes as i look up to Him. A long awaited need continually being fed, the need to be accepted, appreciated and cherished for how i try so hard to please. "All Mine." He proclaims and suddenly nothing else matters, not the past, not the future. Only that very moment, that complete feeling of wholeness and knowing exactly who i am, where i belong and what i am worth. Like being given a new name that so completely describes all that i am and all that i wish and long to be. Isn't it just amazing how Masters voice and words can so penetrate even the thickest of walls that were built over the years. How even the smallest of phrases permeate me so completely and give me the strength and longing to do more. Grow more, give more and be more for Him and yes, even for me. "OWNED" - "CHERISHED" - "ACCEPTED" - "WANTED" "HIS" i am... and that is ALL i wish to be... "HIS" slave *~destiny~*

Triggers

i don't view myself as a "masochist", though i do enjoy certain levels of pain vs. pleasure and have been learning more about this side of me with my Master. i don't think i shall ever be an extreme maso and yet i do believe i will become more than i am now. Yesterday i experienced a side of myself i knew i needed to talk to my Master about in detail, yet i was unsure how to really explain it to Him without making it sound as if i was not enjoying pushing the boundaries of this maso side of me. i had asked my Master for a special challenge as He was not going to be around that evening and i wanted to do something special while He was away. Him knowing i had immensely enjoyed flogging myself for Him, the previous night on cam, He made this a part of the challenge for the night and asked me to audio record it for Him also. i was actually quite excited about the challenge when He told all He wished for me to do. Partially because i love it when He himself is able to flog me but also because i do love the extreme variations of the pain sensations vs. the pleasure. What can i say, flogging gets the adrenaline going, make the flesh very sensitive and the Power and Control involved is just flat out exciting! As i began the challenge and started flogging myself i was i enjoying the feeling, even the harder strikes i was applying felt exciting. i don't know when exactly it happened but i began to use the flogger even harder and my mind just kind of flipped. Suddenly i felt this surge of anger well up inside of me. It was as if a battle was taking place inside my mind. One part of me loving the feeling but this other part seemed to make me feel guilty and angry that i was enjoying it, flashes of past abuse popped into my head making me even angrier. Coming from a long line of abuse (physical, sexual and mental) i was suddenly angry at myself for enjoying the action and the feel of the flogging. This caused me to flog even harder. i remember thinking i should be ashamed, and feeling angry that i liked it. One thought i remember very clearly was, how on earth can someone who has been through all you have feel "good" about subjecting herself to any type of pain. i was in tears by this time and it had nothing to do with not liking the challenge or the flogging as i honestly did like it, shoot i actually REALLY liked it. i was in tears because my anger scared me and my guilt was tormenting me emotionally. Had Master been present i know He would have stopped me, as He always notices changes in me that i myself don't recognize. He is always very attentive to my actions and reactions and adjusts as needed. He did in fact notice the change in me last night, even just via the audio i sent. Matter of fact, it was actually He who brought the topic up today, which took the stress off of me. i already knew i wished Him to know what happened, yet didn't know how to bring it up without feeling like He would think i didn't want to be flogged, or that i hadn't wanted to do His challenge. After a long talk with Him of this and hearing His views, i realized a few things 1.) i feel guilty that i enjoy the pain vs. pleasure 2.) This guilt makes me angry at myself because i don't wish to feel the guilt 3.) i need help learning how to curb this anger, as it is not my nature and it scares me 4.) i need more help understanding that it is ok for me to enjoy "this type" of pain 5.) i have to find a way to quickly remind myself that this is "Not" the same as what has happened in the "abusive" past and get rid of that trigger 6.) i am actually more excited by the Power Exchange & Control that happens than i am the physical feeling of the flogging itself. It is this submission to the slightly more extreme side of the Control and Power Exchange that seems to make me feel guiltier than the actual flogging itself does. Yet it is also that same Control and Power that excites the hell out of me. Though i do not see me going to the far extreme side of S/m, this level and a bit more... yes, definitely, i want to push, i want to learn where my own limits in this way are. Crazy thing is that even now as i write this i find my mind trying to fight me and tell me i am a horrible person to enjoy submitting to this type of Control. That there must be something terribly wrong with a girl ,who went through so much abuse in life, to not only want to be slave and subject herself to this, but to also actually hunger for it and so completely love who i am as Master's slave. But... Dammit!!  i do! i love who i am, FINALLY!! And i love who i am becoming, FINALLY!!! i LOVE that i can be all that i am...  the gentle... the giving... the trusting... the loving... the kind and soft hearted... the open minded... the girl... the lady... the meek yet strong.... the passionate...  the slut... the deeply submissive... the... NO.... not....  "the"...    but...  "HIS" slave!!!!!!!!   ... And His slave does have a bit of maso in her and she LOVES being flogged!!! (Literally said that emphatically and out loud and DAMN it felt good!) i know i still have a long way to go and all of this is not something that will be overcome simply by writing in my blog and a few conversations, but i also know it's a step forward and i know my Master will help me to overcome as He always does. So this battle begun, i know is a battle won. slave *~destiny~*

Tasks & Challenge

Master met me on skype for coffee in the morning and we had a very nice visit, talking of His plans for His upcoming move, plans of U/us being together again soon and just general chit chat. Soon it was time for Master to get ready for work and for me to pre-pare for visitors who were coming over. So W/we said O/our goodbyes for the time, Him as always re-enforcing that He would check in on me as time permitted throughout His work day. ( i am so very blessed and appreciative that He always tries very hard to find even just a small bit of time to check in on me while He is working. - thank You Master *smiles* ) So i started to get up and moving when i heard that lovely sound, meaning Master was sending me a message on skype. i giggled as i already knew what was coming, i knew He was going to put me to some type of task for the day, and sure enough He was. *sighs happily* The message was as follows: “Master wants you to spend 5 mins every hour doing the 2 min shallow fucking/1 min filled only/2 min deep short fucking and record it and send it when done - until the people arrive. All this after your shower and looped and anally plugged” i do love sending Master audio's sometimes, just the thought that He is getting as aroused as i am brings my A-Level (arousal - level) up. i did request permission to do it every hour and half as i wanted to paint and it is hard to do when i must stop every hour. He agreed and made the allowance for me. He is very conscious of the real life things and has often told me He does not wish tasks to interfere with my daily life but to only enhance my day. In this way He makes sure these type of tasks do not become a chore or work for me but instead remain exciting. There was a short time of anxiety when He wished me to do the tasks when the company was here, i told Him i would find a way but my concern was that the girl who was coming would probably stay in the house with me while the guys worked on the vehicles (which she did end up doing). Once again my Master made an allowance, but basically told me if i was able to break away or she went out then He wanted me to go on with my task. This took the stress of being rude to the female visitor off of me and i was once again grateful that my Master does take into consideration real life things. i mean after all i am slave and He does know i will do as He says regardless of how it may affect me emotionally. It is so liberating to have a Master who doesn't abuse this part of the Power Exchange and truly weighs out all the pros and cons when He does task or command me. It not only builds my trust in Him more, but it also reinforces that my emotional state is as important to Him as any other part of me is. Not to mention it only makes me wish to please Him more and more deeply and to try harder to do what He originally asked. Creating basically a win, win situation for U/us both. All things situated and on track i went on to start my day. i showered, put my plug in (love my plug!!!) Nipples were looped and the chain cold against my freshly hot showered flesh when i heard my phone. My visitors sent me a text saying they were on their way. So i left Master a note to tell Him they were and then went on to get dressed. Then i waited... and waited... i am not very good at waiting on people to be honest, specially not when i could be doing something my Master wished me to do. Finally after about an hour or so i was frustrated and just wanted to do my task. Silly vanilla people how dare they get in the way. *giggles* So i messaged Master again telling Him i was frustrated and going to go do my task anyway. Concerned they would drive up while i was in middle of task i decided to do it in my studio, which has full wall sliding glass doors, so i could see if they drove up. i fetched the dildo Master and i refer to as "His Cock" settled in on my chair and proceeded to do as Master wished. WOW !!! Just the thought that they would show up while i was in the middle of this somehow got me very hot and excited. i was sopping wet and sooooooooooo did not wish to stop at the five minute's Master had given me. i knew the thought of doing it out here in the studio was a bit exciting as to do so this time i would have to keep my blinds open, so i could see if they arrived, but again... WOW !!! i just didn't realize how excited i was going to become. First session of task done and audio sent to Master, i could not wait to hear back from Him to see if He was pleased. It was a bit before He replied (remember He was at work) but He soon let me know He was pleased and proud. That thrilled me even more! [Reads over what i have written, oh boy this is already a long entry and still so much to tell *giggles*] OK, so to shorten this up a little... i went on through my day, visitors finally left. So again i went to task, having been so thrilled with sitting out here with the blinds open and glass doors, free to view inside if someone wished, i decided to do the same thing. Once again it thrilled me and got me going very quickly. Another audio sent and another quick reply to let me know He was pleased. Later i got to talk to my friend joolz a bit on skype and share with her the task. As we were chatting Master had a break from work and messaged. i let Him know she and i were chatting and He asked if i told her of my task and chuckled saying He knows how us gals love to do such. Then as Master has a way of doing He surprised me again... He typed, "Grins thinking I'm going to have you perform one of these 5 minute teases by the pool when it gets darker...On the lounger... naked. So you'll have to be pretty quiet... Got you nervous? Excited?" i told Him it had me a bit anxious but that i would do it. Now keep in mind my pool deck is only screened in and my neighbors are not that far from me, they could see if they came to the right places. His next words made me giggle as i read, "You may take a blanket just in case you spot someone... chuckles, see how thoughtful I am." Of course i shared all of this with joolz as she and i were still chatting on skype. *giggles* i was both excited yet anxious. So after joolz and i finished our chat and she laughed and wished me good luck with my task, i proceeded to go do my task again, another audio sent to Master. i rather think just the thoughts of what was to come had me in mixed mode, i was excited and was still very wet, yet the anxiety type thoughts popped up, so i remember really focusing and trying to envision myself doing as Master had asked, but in my mind He was sitting beside me out there. Went on to eat supper then realized i needed to run to the store. Messaged Master that i was running to the little store real quickly when He sent me a new message. "next one will be by the pool... and I want My nipples teased pulled, stretched and twisted...during the 2 minute filled, yes that's right, 2 minutes" Again my heart raced a bit as it wasn't even dark yet, so i told Him this and said that maybe it would be by the time i got home from the store and His reply, "Hopefully it'll be dark eh?" i had to giggle even despite my anxious feelings. Returning from the store i put away my items and came to the computer to let Master know i was home. It was time again for my task,  i sat here and just looked outside trying to build my resolve. It wasn't helping that as i drove back home i saw my neighbors, two houses down, had visitors and were having a little outside gathering. i let Master know i was building my confidence and about the neighbors but assured Him i, of course, was going to do as He said. Inhaling deeply i stood up and went to my task. i could hear the neighbors outside, laughing and talking and felt my heart racing, and yet... i still felt excited, very much so. Master didn't ask me for further proof i was doing as He asked, He knows already that i always do, however as this was a big one for me i wanted to show Him i was actually out there butt naked. So i took a selfie with my camera and sent it to Him before i started. i remember hearing the crickets chirping away as i started, the gentle air teasing over my naked flesh. In my mind the sounds i was making were quite loud, even though i knew i was being quiet. Even the sound of the dildo going in and out of me sounded very loud to me. It felt like my breathing was very quickly growing more rapid and soon all the fears disappeared and i was in zone. it was just me pleasing my Master, nothing else mattered. By the end of those 6 minutes i realized it was hard for me to make myself stop, i was "that" excited. Audio sent and one throbbing and wet girl was aching. Jeez how i wanted to cum! Master was still working when i finished but it wasn't long until He got Home. *smiles big* W/we chatted for a bit of O/our day, my tasks etc... Then He told me He would meet me on cam as soon as He was done getting ready for bed. Once in bed He informed me it was time for a challenge. He explained that He was going to give me only 3 minutes to use my Hitachi with attachment to cum. Once again i was anxious, my mind was thinking no way, how on earth can i cum in only two minutes? Then the girl in me whimpered in my head, i been a good girl, i don't want to miss out on an orgasm for my Master. He knows me so well, He immediately began to explain how He honestly felt that with the level of edging i had been through today that i was going to find it very easy to meet this challenge, but that He would give me three minutes instead. *blinks * my mind again thinking 3??? Can i cum in 3 minutes? He also explained how He was making this a challenge instead of a task as He knows i always rise to challenges and that He had no doubt i would rise to this one also. i wanted to believe Him, but... 3 minutes??? You see Master knows i often have a hard time just letting the orgasm's come. i often tense up, or allow things to enter my mind and distract me, robbing myself of the pleasure until it almost has to be forced from me. So this in reality is just another way for Him to help me to learn to relax my mind and body and just let the feelings over take me. "You have one minute to get yourself arranged and the Hitachi in the correct position, starting now..." He said. i could feel my chest tighten and the nerves rising, i so needed to cum for my Master, i so did not wish to fail. He talked to me as i was adjusting, re-affirming how He truly knew i could do this, that His girl is one who always rises to challenges, telling me to just relax breathe and let the feelings come over me. He was also counting down the adjustment minute as He encouraged and supported me with His words. "3.... 2... 1... Turn it on" OMG!!!!!!!!!!! Did this girl ever cum!!! one moment i was anxious and wrestling, so wanting to cum and so worried i wouldn't, the next minute it over took me and i was over the top! i could hear Master's words of praise and encouragement as He brought me through not one but two orgasms. i was on cloud 99, i felt elated and i was also proud of myself. *blush* i wish i could remember now exactly how long He told me it took,  i was kind of in lah lah land when He did tell me, but i think He said it was under 2 minutes. Who would of guessed? *giggles* *sighsssssssssssss dreamily* oh yummy yum yum! i have a wonderful Master *beams and smiles so big* Master even allowed me to fall asleep as He finished watching a show He and i had been watching together. i don't think it really took me long to fall asleep after i cleaned up my toys and settled back into bed. i remember just growing quiet after we talk briefly and watching Him as He watched His show and just feeling full, feeling whole, feeling Owned, Cherished and so so happy. slave *~destiny~*

Lovely chat time

Had a lovely chat with my new friend joolz today. It was so nice to share with each other our triumphs and even our fears. As we talked we noted that although we are different sides of the spectrum (which is actually something my Master and i had spoken of before also), the goals our Masters are helping us to get to are the same. For her she has been overly independent and wishes to become more into herself as a subservient. Where with me i am not independent enough and wish to become more self-confident and better at standing on my own when i need to. It was interesting to hear her describe herself as two different sides, one she calls "Julie" and the other she calls "this girl". Julie is more the independent and "this girl" the sub. The intriguing part of this for me is i do the same thing, i have the girl, who is timid, self-doubting, and not at all confident. Then who Master and i call "the lady", who comes out at times is quite confident and just takes care of things without thought. The common goal our Masters are guiding us towards is to integrate the two sides of our demeanor and help us become more rounded and whole, instead of this flip flop type. In this way we may better serve Them confidently and more completely and at the same time come into the fullness of all that we are meant to be. It was exciting to compare notes about where we came from and how much we have already grown. Also, we spoke of how interesting it will be to watch each other as we grown, knowing we are on opposite sides of the spectrum. It seems to us we should be able to learn a lot from each other as we grow. i know i shall be looking to her blog and friendship as i learn to be okay with being more confident and allowing the "lady" to come out more when she is needed.  Equally exciting was hearing how those doubts that creep in are not just something that i am alone in. Of course i already knew this, yet it was so nice to hear how some her worries are reflective of my own. Many of those worries having a lot of roots in our past more than anything in our here and now. Another thing i noticed is how the paths that brought her and i together to chat, were interwoven and how there were other familiarities between us. What i mean is this, her Master was my mentor before i met my Master, so i went to Him for advice or help when i needed some support. Now her Master is away and sometimes she needs a bit of support so she comes and chats to my Master and to me. Also found that she and my Master at one time lived like blocks away from each other, though did not know each other at the time. Her Master is here in the states for a while, where i live, and my Master is over there in the U.K. where she is. She is currently dealing with a situation that in a way i have been through, dealing with a poly type relationship. Then also she has a sick Father who has a type of cancer she feels guilt about and is trying to help and i just recently lost my Step-Daddy to leukemia after having moved down here and taking care of Him in His last days. These are just a couple things i noted, but i have a feeling as we get to know each other better there will be more. Funny how life seems to weave people into each other’s lives and in this case very graciously. i am looking forward to when i am able to travel over to my Master and hopefully will get to meet both "this girl"/Julie and her Master.  i must give my Master a huge hug for leading her and i together as i do think this will be good for me and am really happy to have the opportunity to become closer friends with her.  HUGE Thank You Master!  P.S. "wonder if she knew that the whole time we chatted i had the lovely Njoy plug in *giggles*" Have i told you all how much i LOVE that plug?!?! Back to cleaning now... Hmmm.. don't need to vacuum this time but............  i AM going to be shampooing the carpet... oh Njoy, you and i are going to have sooooo much fun!!!

Vibrations and Shopping

Okay, so this could be hard to write. Master has instructed me that today as i write i should have my new anal plug inserted, and my caterpillar buzzing away and teasing my clit. *wiggling a bit in my seat* *clears my throat* yeah, okay... What was i going to write about? *giggles* In Masters never ending quest to keep me aroused, as well as taking me through new and exciting things, He sent me out to the store with my caterpillar instructing me to ensure it was vibrating the entire time i was out. *moans and writhes slightly as the caterpillar plays in it's cocoon* Ummmm... What was i saying? Oh, i suppose i should quickly explain to you about the caterpillar. You see the caterpillar started out as a butterfly vibrator. Unfortunately it just wasn't quite doing the trick. it's vibrations were only topical and although felt nice, it didn't do much to raise my A-level (arousal - level). So Master, being the innovative One that He is, decided rather than it just sitting around not being used, perhaps we should cut the wings off. in this way it could easily be placed tight up against the clit. Ingenious!!! Well of course i could no longer call it a butterfly, poor wingless thing, so now it has transformed back into a caterpillar. *giggles* Which brings me back to the store... Now Master has had me go out in public with a small dildo many times, but but until now, He has never had me go out with anything vibrating. And i might add that the caterpillar is NOT wireless. So when he first told me about His task, my mind was going crazy trying to figure out how i could hide this wire and remote, and whether or not it was going to be loud enough for everyone else to hear. Talk about feeling anxious! However, i was bound and determined to make Master proud. So, i proceeded to make it work. Tucking the caterpillar tightly inside, putting on some tight underwear (which i hardly ever wear, but Master does allow them in cases like this, to keep things "in place") i then placed the controller into the pocket of my shorts and i very quickly found i needed a longer shirt. So i found one that draped a bit lower, checked the cord probably 20 times in the mirror and made sure i couldn't see it. (brb, need new batteries... *giggles*........... *sighs* oh, ahhhhh... So nice, got to love fresh batteries) Well off to the store i went, buzzing away. Driving always seems to add an extra element to any type of being plugged, and this was no exception. Each bump only enhancing the vibrations, so that by the time i reached the store i was quite wet. Good thing i had the underwear on, or i convinced the wetness could of cause the caterpillar to crawl out of it's cozy cocoon. Of course during the drive i wasn't real concerned about the vibrating caterpillar. However as soon as i reached the parking lot my excitement level, due to being anxious, was already rising. i gathered my purse, my phone, got out of the car and double checked the wire. Master was kind enough to allow me to keep it on a very low setting, knowing that the higher the setting the louder the it would be. Yet i could still hear it, and was so sure others would be able to also. Nonetheless i walked into the store. Now granted my right hand was holding my shirt down over that pocket the entire time. i just knew if i let go someone would see that wire and start to wonder. Funny thing is that thought alone excited me. So i walk into the store and sure enough it's busier than it's ever been the entire time i have been down here. People were all over the place!!! i even sent Master a picture so he could see the people. i was so self-conscious and kept looking at people just to see if they were looking at me and wondering. The placement of the caterpillar was just perfect and it was teasing me big time! Shortly after i started to walk around i realized that when i would stop walking i was unconsciously shifting my weight from one foot to the other. Such a naughty girl! Then came the ONIONS!!! i'm looking at all these onions for just the perfect size to make Spaghetti Bolognese, suggested by Master. Of course the onions are on a slanted rack and it looks like the good ones are all up top. So obviously i have to reach to search through these onions, and just where do you think the edge of the rack was pressing into. You got it! It was pressing right into the caterpillar. Now talk about a transformation, before i met my Master i would've been blushing beat red! But now, oh yeah, this girl took her sweet time finding the right onions. *giggles* (Hold on a second, this is a side message for my Master... A-level = 7, pulse... pulse... pulse... Between writing about the caterpillar and actually sitting here feeling it pulse and vibrate just like it did that day... Well you get the picture.) So moving along... i continued my shopping but as i moved further into the store and deeper into the crowd i once again began feeling quite self-conscious. i remember at one point, an older gentleman was on one of those motorized shopping carts, which means he was eye level with my crotch. i was positive he was straining to figure out if he was hearing something. There was something about the way he was tilting his head. Now i realize the chances are he didn't hear a thing, yet i know i turned at least a light shade of red as i smiled to him and went on about my shopping. The strange part about that was that after i got a little bit away from him i was still quite aware that i was turned on by the thought of him perhaps hearing something. Finishing up my shopping i proceeded to the checkout lane and once again became very aware of that soft, quiet, pulsing, vibration. The checkout lady didn't seem to notice anything, but one never knows. And just the idea that maybe someone could hear it, maybe someone that was as kinky as i am, and could put two and two together, well that thought alone excited me to no end. it had to be the exhibitionist coming back out in me, and i will admit i was wet, highly stimulated, very excited and even a bit proud of myself. Of course my mind was on and off battling over being a proper "lady" versus being the slave that i am. Those silly social thoughts that wanted to constrain the pleasure i was receiving as well as giving to my Master. Telling me i should be ashamed, that ladies would never do such a thing. Yet, thanks to my Master i know better. i know that our sexuality is nothing to be ashamed of, that it should be enjoyed to the fullest and that it is a very deep and precious part of who we are. i am HiS slut!!! And there is absolutely no shame in that!!! And now this slut needs to get this posted and let Master know that my A-level is still at a 7 and i can feel the wetness, the warm, the pulses as i revisit my memories of this task that my Onederous Master set me to do. slave *~destiny~*

LDR & plug

Every once in a while being in a LDR relationship can be a bit challenging. You're in a position where you don't completely know what the other person is going through. Have they had a bad day, are they upset with you, not feeling well, real busy, or just need some alone time. Since you're not there to visually see what's going on your left kind of guessing. Tonight was one of those types of nights for me. Master and i had a very nice morning, a few little bumps in the road, you know how computers can be some days. We spent some time talking a little bit, and of course pleasing each other, i did have to try out a new toy. *giggles* I had a hair appointment so we said our byes for the time being, He sent me to walk my pup before my shower and we spoke of meeting again tonight then parted ways, of course after some specific instructions from Master.*Smiles brightly* Those instructions being to ring my nipples and insert The new Njoy butt plug that i received in the mail (thank you so much joolz). i absolutely love this new plug! Master and i exchanged a few fun texts, one of which He had informed me that we are going to HAVE to invest in the next size up... always being my Master who thinks ahead. Got to admit i love the idea, as this small one is so nice i can only believe the next size up can only enhance that feeling and help be an even greater reminder of His control. Unfortunately as i read this message the hair dresser was just getting ready to put the coloring in my hair, but GOD how i melted and wanted to reply. Maybe it was good that i couldn't in a way, as i remember sitting there with His last text to me fresh in my mind. It was really stirring me up and i found that the plug was gently reminding me of His words as she moved me around working on my hair. my hairdresser and i chit chatted some and we got onto the topic of, who she calls my Man, and what a wonderful visit i had with Him for the five weeks He was here. This of course only enhanced my wanton desires and excited me more, as i do so love bragging of my Onederful Master, even if who i am speaking to doesn't understand the full details of our relationship. The whole time i am sitting there dying to text Master back and enjoying the fact that i am plugged and ringed so wonderfully.  So i sat there in my anxious and wanton state and as soon as she had the coloring on and i was able to actually type again i messaged Him back. The plug being a constant reminder and teasing me as it was, had me really wishing she would hurry up so i could get home and tell Him about my first day out with the plug inserted. FINALLY she was done and i texted Master to let Him know i was on my way home. i wasn't sure when He would be back on with me but i was eager to tell Him of all the sensations and how i kept finding ways to adjust to feel the plug inside even more. Driving was awesome! Every little bump made the plug move within and i would naturally contract over it, feeling how the inner walls tightened more. It was almost like having a couple of Master's fingers inside probing and preparing to take His ass. Once i was home, around 4:30 pm, i jumped right on the computer to let Him know i was home, hoping He was on. Unfortunately He wasn't. i try not to pester Master too much when He doesn't reply, as i do know He has a lot He is trying to handle, but i have to admit it was hard not to want to message Him more, as i so wanted to tell Him all about the experience and how i felt His presence and how much it made me want Him. i then went on to work on a new website i have been trying to build, which will house various writings of mine, ate some supper, and vacuumed up the tiny Styrofoam bits my pup had gotten all over the place. Vacuuming was another highlight with the plug in, each time my arm would stretch forward i could feel it moving more prominently, this plug may just be the thing to make housework less tedious. *giggles* Also i am sure you know that as i sat here working on my site i was not exactly just sitting still either, love that my chair is on castors, that gentle rocking motion is so easy. i believe in my mind i was trying to keep myself aroused for my Master, as one day He had sent me a note of how He wants to use me badly and keep me wet with wanton abandon. i was also making sure since He was not on, that i got on with handling things around the home, as we had spoken of this also, but i will admit i really wanted to message Him again. Instead i decided to go lay down for a bit, trying hard to be a good girl and not a pest and to be honest i think the excitement kind of made me a bit sleepy. So i took a nap and then woke around 8:00 pm. Plug still in, i remember lying there as i woke up and daydreaming about Him being the One to physically place the plug in. That did it, i got out of bed and came to my computer and messaged Him to let Him know i had just woken from a nap and was peeking in. Still no reply i went on to work on my site again. i started to wonder then how long one can actually leave a plug in, as this is my first time having it in this long and i became a bit concerned. It really wasn't hurting or bothering me in the slightest but i decided it may be best to remove it. So i messaged Master around 9:00 pm to ask permission to remove it. Then i heard it! That familiar sound, so i hopped over to the message all ready to tell Him of my experience. But alas, it wasn't to happen. He gave me permission to remove it then let me know He just woke, He must have been in the main room, and that He was heading to His bed. So now we come to the hard part of LDR. i wanted so badly to tell Him of His control over me and how it felt all day with the plug He had me put in, but i needed to be a good girl and understanding. You see i do know and understand the hard things my Master has to deal with. i understand how things can just zap Him and make Him tire out and even sometimes how He just needs His space. Yet in honesty i was still surprised and confused. Questions then entered my mind... Questions like, Is He getting sick again? Has the ex been upsetting Him? Did i forget something and He is upset with me? Was He upset that i was unable to text Him right back earlier? Are all these plans He is taking care of are just flat out wearing Him down? Is He not getting enough sleep? That's when i decided to come here and write. You see the hard part is the not being able to see. It's not like Him wishing to go on to bed is upsetting at all, it's that Him not saying more to me is not the norm. When it seems different or out of the norm, the mind goes all over trying to figure it all out. i hope i have not upset Him in anyway, as this would be awful. i hate that my mind goes all over in these cases, but i am learning still and i am trying. Thus why i only asked Him if i had upset Him, said i was confused, then kissed Him and left it alone. i know and trust my Master, and i am sure He will let me know what He will tomorrow at some point. All of this is to be expected in an LDR and i know this and i accept it.  Trust me, my Master is worth it! i love being His in every way, even in this i am learning. Learning to find ways to process things better and to be strong and independent when He needs me to be such, both for Him and for myself. This is another of the many things He is teaching me. Besides i am one of the lucky ones, to belong to One such as Master is. He always makes sure i know i am cherished, important and thought of, checking in on me, sending me new tasks, talking to me, using me, caring for me, teaching me, even just being quiet along side of me. i only hope i can be the best slave possible for Him in all ways, including continuing to understand that sometimes Master just needs to be left alone a bit. ni night my Master, rest well and Your slave can't wait to fill You in on more of the delicious details of her first day out with the plug, when You are ready. *smiles* slave *~destiny~*

Dealing with feelings of failing

Master has been trying to work with me and my feelings of failure and/or disappointing Him. i do not do well at all with feelings of failure, specially so when it comes to feeling as if it is Him i have let down. i tend to over analyze the situation and the feelings of failure immerse me in such a way that i in essence immobilize myself. i am sure some of you are thinking that i should feel terrible of failing my Master, and i should even be severely punished. However, let me first explain that what to most people is simply a mistake, or something involuntary or inadvertent to me is a full out failure. Today was one of those days… Master was using His girl, and had a loop chain on my nipples and then had the chain of a set of tweezer clamps wrapped around that chain, and wanted me to clamp the tweezers to my labia. i was quite wet and finding the tweezer clamps did not wish to tighten up and stay as He wished, and I was getting rather frustrated. Master is very mindful of how i react to my feelings of failure, and on numerous occasions has reinforced that He will never set me up to fail, so as He saw my struggle He adjusted His command and had me place one of the tweezer clamps over the hood of my clit instead. He said perhaps it is still dry enough there to hold, and He was correct. i got it on yet found it was pinching and hurting, i had never had any type of clamp on my clit before so it was a new feeling. He then told me to begin to shallow fuck His cunt with my finger. i did as i was told and the tweezer clamp was pinching me even more as i moved my finger in and out. Master always watches His slave very closely for her reactions and noted i was in some discomfort so softly spoke to me, ” angel just relax and work through the pain to get to the other side.” He reminded me that i was doing this for Him, and that it excited and pleased Him. His words as normal calmed me and helped me to focus on pleasing Him, i continued to play with His cunt and to focus on His voice and the sensations. i was indeed becoming wetter and more excited, and yet because the clit hood being held by the tweezer clamp was pinching and was new to me, it was on and off becoming distracting to me. i would relax and begin to finger fuck His cunt for Him and as i began to get more into it, i would forget about the tweezer clamp and hit it too hard and it would pinch into me and shoot a pain through the clit. So my arousal level (Master calls that my A level) was hitting a plateau and keeping me from rising, although i remained quite wanton and wet. i still continued trying to relax and focus, so wanting Master to be proud of me and to arouse Him in this way. my mind starting the beginning of the battle over failure and i was trying to push the thoughts to the side. i spread my legs wider and continued to slip my finger into the tight and by now quite sloppy wet cavern, adjusting as i would feel the pinching, when i heard Master tell me i could remove the tweezer clamp. The pain was short but very prominent as I removed the clamp but i was both relieved to have it off and yet I felt those tugging’s of failing welling up within me. i looked to Him and saw no sign of displeasure in those blue eyes as He then commanded me to continue playing over His cunt and clit, so i again relaxed and was able to again begin to bring my arousal up for Him. Working my fingers in to the depths of His cunt and coating them as i brought them to the clit and circled and probed at the very hard and excited clit. i could still feel a slight pain where the tweezer clamp had been but now it was more of an enhancement type of feeling, serving to only help me to feel those electric like pulses even more. my A level was rising, and rather quickly. Master asked me what level i was at and if i remember correctly i had said an 8 ( the scale being 1 – 10 ) Every time i would move i could feel the chain pulling at the loops on my nipples making them burn delightfully. As my finger worked more fervently in and out of His cunt i could literally hear the sloppy wetness. i was so enjoying the look upon His face when i would look up and see my Master and knowing i was pleasing Him when it happened… i came… Unexpectedly and without warning and without “permission!” i was mortified and shocked, i had no idea i was that close to cumming. i had all kinds of feelings rushing through me. Anger, frustration, embarrassment, shame, bewilderment and yes also excitement, euphoria and appeasement. i remember clamping my thighs together and trying to make it stop as i leaned up quickly and looked to Master. i think i had cursed also, which isn’t something i really do often. The words, i’m sorry came from my lips and i quickly covered my mouth, as saying “i’m sorry” too much ( as i often do ) is also something Master is working with me on. If my memory is correct i do believe my Master chuckled at me, though with all these things running through my mind all at once i cannot be sure i am remembering right. Regardless, what i saw in His eyes and face was not disappointment as He gently told me, “It’s ok to say you’re sorry in a case like this.” so i said it again. i then went on to tell Him i had no idea i was about to cum, it happened so suddenly. i remember as i explained this how tight my chest was, so afraid i would hear some type of anger or disappointment in His voice. But there was none of that to be heard. He only calmly had my breasts and cunt spanked for the infraction, i was actually relieved at this discipline, as it gave me a release. The spankings helped me to accept the infraction was not a deal breaker, it was not something that would make me unworthy. It was simply something that happened, had been dealt with and i could now let it go. my mind then went to previous conversation with my Master in which He explained to me that sometimes Master enjoys knowing He gets His slave girl so worked up she can’t help but cum, even without asking for permission of being given it. my mind then began to slowly come into alignment again, though even now as i write this i feel the residual feelings nagging at me. Those feelings even now trying to deem me as not being a good slave, to mark me as a failure or a disappointment. i shall however continue to align my thoughts and feelings so as not to become a slave to them. As i am slave to Him and Him alone! These feelings i will learn not to submit to, not to cave into them, but to continue to learn how to overcome so i can “truly” be the best slave possible for my Master in all ways. slave *~ destiny ~*

The simple things…

i find myself often so in awe of my Master and just how well rounded He is with me.  He goes out of His way to make sure i always remember Who i belong to, and that His Control of me is so much more than just the constant state of arousal He keeps me in. The daily tasks help keep me grounded and connected while He is away, and in those times when He is unable to contact me i feel the trepidation and i do tend to flounder. Yet i am finding little by little the strength He has shown me i have inside and am starting to realize that these feelings i have are not bad in themselves, they are a natural reaction. What would be bad is if i allow them to overwhelm me and control me. In doing this i am in a way submitting to these fears then and not to Him. i will not say i am at the point yet where i can quickly dispel the silly thoughts that can haunt me at times, but i can say that thanks to the care, in ALL things, that my Master gives to me i am finding the strength to think ahead more and find ways to remind myself of His control, to remind myself that i am His, even when He is so far away at times. It was in fact Master’s idea to have me start this blog, and suddenly as i write these words, i can see how this can help me in those times. How easy it could be to simply come here and remember. To hold onto the lessons i am learning about myself as well as about Master, so i may be a better slave for Him in all ways. So the next time i am feeling down or floundering a bit, wondering if i am worthy enough, or good enough, smart enough or pretty enough. i shall visit these pages and find that “Lady” inside me, stand up straight and remember these simple things He teaches, and does for me are not actually so little or simple. They are complex and very big when it comes right down to it, and i shall learn and grow from them all. This is a simple thing my Master did today to remind me i am His. i received this in my email today… Flowers for My girl Kisses Saw these and thought of you They are photos of some flowers He saw while He was out working, and it really made me feel like His angel to get them in my mail with the simple little note. Come to find out He actually saw them as He drove past them and literally turned the car about to take these photo’s just to send to me. So you see something that may appear so simple had a lot more to it than than just a photo and a note, and it meant so very very much to this slave girl !  *sighs dreamily* i will grow my Master, just as these beautiful flowers. i will blossom and reach for those things which keep me growing, even through the floundering and steps back now and then. slave *~destiny~*