Triggers

i don't view myself as a "masochist", though i do enjoy certain levels of pain vs. pleasure and have been learning more about this side of me with my Master. i don't think i shall ever be an extreme maso and yet i do believe i will become more than i am now. Yesterday i experienced a side of myself i knew i needed to talk to my Master about in detail, yet i was unsure how to really explain it to Him without making it sound as if i was not enjoying pushing the boundaries of this maso side of me. i had asked my Master for a special challenge as He was not going to be around that evening and i wanted to do something special while He was away. Him knowing i had immensely enjoyed flogging myself for Him, the previous night on cam, He made this a part of the challenge for the night and asked me to audio record it for Him also. i was actually quite excited about the challenge when He told all He wished for me to do. Partially because i love it when He himself is able to flog me but also because i do love the extreme variations of the pain sensations vs. the pleasure. What can i say, flogging gets the adrenaline going, make the flesh very sensitive and the Power and Control involved is just flat out exciting! As i began the challenge and started flogging myself i was i enjoying the feeling, even the harder strikes i was applying felt exciting. i don't know when exactly it happened but i began to use the flogger even harder and my mind just kind of flipped. Suddenly i felt this surge of anger well up inside of me. It was as if a battle was taking place inside my mind. One part of me loving the feeling but this other part seemed to make me feel guilty and angry that i was enjoying it, flashes of past abuse popped into my head making me even angrier. Coming from a long line of abuse (physical, sexual and mental) i was suddenly angry at myself for enjoying the action and the feel of the flogging. This caused me to flog even harder. i remember thinking i should be ashamed, and feeling angry that i liked it. One thought i remember very clearly was, how on earth can someone who has been through all you have feel "good" about subjecting herself to any type of pain. i was in tears by this time and it had nothing to do with not liking the challenge or the flogging as i honestly did like it, shoot i actually REALLY liked it. i was in tears because my anger scared me and my guilt was tormenting me emotionally. Had Master been present i know He would have stopped me, as He always notices changes in me that i myself don't recognize. He is always very attentive to my actions and reactions and adjusts as needed. He did in fact notice the change in me last night, even just via the audio i sent. Matter of fact, it was actually He who brought the topic up today, which took the stress off of me. i already knew i wished Him to know what happened, yet didn't know how to bring it up without feeling like He would think i didn't want to be flogged, or that i hadn't wanted to do His challenge. After a long talk with Him of this and hearing His views, i realized a few things 1.) i feel guilty that i enjoy the pain vs. pleasure 2.) This guilt makes me angry at myself because i don't wish to feel the guilt 3.) i need help learning how to curb this anger, as it is not my nature and it scares me 4.) i need more help understanding that it is ok for me to enjoy "this type" of pain 5.) i have to find a way to quickly remind myself that this is "Not" the same as what has happened in the "abusive" past and get rid of that trigger 6.) i am actually more excited by the Power Exchange & Control that happens than i am the physical feeling of the flogging itself. It is this submission to the slightly more extreme side of the Control and Power Exchange that seems to make me feel guiltier than the actual flogging itself does. Yet it is also that same Control and Power that excites the hell out of me. Though i do not see me going to the far extreme side of S/m, this level and a bit more... yes, definitely, i want to push, i want to learn where my own limits in this way are. Crazy thing is that even now as i write this i find my mind trying to fight me and tell me i am a horrible person to enjoy submitting to this type of Control. That there must be something terribly wrong with a girl ,who went through so much abuse in life, to not only want to be slave and subject herself to this, but to also actually hunger for it and so completely love who i am as Master's slave. But... Dammit!!  i do! i love who i am, FINALLY!! And i love who i am becoming, FINALLY!!! i LOVE that i can be all that i am...  the gentle... the giving... the trusting... the loving... the kind and soft hearted... the open minded... the girl... the lady... the meek yet strong.... the passionate...  the slut... the deeply submissive... the... NO.... not....  "the"...    but...  "HIS" slave!!!!!!!!   ... And His slave does have a bit of maso in her and she LOVES being flogged!!! (Literally said that emphatically and out loud and DAMN it felt good!) i know i still have a long way to go and all of this is not something that will be overcome simply by writing in my blog and a few conversations, but i also know it's a step forward and i know my Master will help me to overcome as He always does. So this battle begun, i know is a battle won. slave *~destiny~*